Blinded
by Jared
Summary: [CCD] Self-delusion led Idomu onto the warpath. Yet what if Idomu was not as oblivious to his misdeeds as he had seemed? And why did he revert from foe to friend?


Blinded  
Jared 

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Disclaimer:  
The following characters belong to CLAMP and are only borrowed for the fanfic. 

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Author's note:  
The following is written in Idomu's POV. It is set after the anime. For those of you who do not know Idomu, kindly refer to the author's note at the end for data on him. 

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I never thought I'd say this, but I never realised till now how truly blind I was, not to have realised that the two of you shared a bond so strong, a bond that I could never break even if I tried all my best. 

What a fool I was to have thought that I possessed all the power in the world, the power to destroy that bond which you both held dear. Perhaps I never was as smart as I liked to believe, perhaps you were closer than I realised. Whatever the case, I find myself, oddly enough, beginning to respect you. And hate you more than ever before, if this was possible. 

It seemed to me that you were laughing at me. Am I just a huge joke to you? Is that why you have to prove to me that you can have everything that I want, everything that I never will have? I wouldn't know. 

You asked me once what I wanted, and I gave you the answer that I believed was what I sought. How naive I was to believe that that was the truth. In truth, I had no idea what I wanted. Wanting to punish you to see mother's smile was little more than an excuse- nothing in the world could be further from that. No, I had a secret, maybe one that you had already guessed, but needed to confirm. I wanted so much to be you. 

To be the famous Imonoyama Nokoru, to be the one that was respected by all; that was the dream that I had, that was my heartfelt desire. Yet I deluded myself, pulled wool over my own eyes- I made myself believe that I just wanted you to suffer as I had, that I merely wanted to take back all that you stole from me. No, I was lying more to myself than to you, for I wanted to be able to justify my actions; I wanted to be proud of what I did. 

To do all that for Mother's smile- yes, it was a romantic notion; it was what I tried so hard to convince myself of. I remembered Mother much better than I had let on- for in the night, I would toss and turn as I was entrapped in my own nightmare. I always heard Mother's sweet voice calling gently to me, Mother asking me, "Have you been good today, Idomu?", in that voice that I adored. And I would always squirm, for I knew that I could never lie to Mother. I was bad, I had disappointed her, and that I still persisted in trying ot destroy your life simply because I wanted to destroy you, to be you. 

Of course, my task to replace you was made easier by your obsession with bringing me down. You began to neglect your campus duties- the explosion in the lab where I got injured was proof of that. It felt good, at least, momentarily, knowing that I had gotten under your skin a whole lot better than I had expected. Hearing your humble apologies made me feel smug, as though I had finally won one over you. 

I ought to have realised that that was merely your way of expressing your sympathy for me, that you had genuinely felt sorry because it was your mistake that had gotten me injured, and that you were distracted not because you were wondering how you'd stop me, but merely because you wanted to do all you could to help me without hurting me. No, I deluded myself and lulled myself into security, hearing only what I wanted to hear. That it was me who was invincible, and you who were powerless. Looking back, I find my actions childish. I was- still am- little more than a child; I was little more than a fool who blinded myself with my foolish notions. 

Yet you were different. You chose to try to help the devil that I was, unwilling to stoop to my level to fight with me, trying in vain to guide me back to the right path just as a lighthouse guides a ship. Rather than using your knowledge and abilities to crush me easily as you could have, you tried to win me over with your humanity. It was your strength, the strength that I stubbornly insisted was your weakness, and I attacked you using this perceived weakness, underhand though it was, just so that I could hurt you. I tried to make myself believe that I was right, that anyone who was hurt as a result of my sadistic desire to hurt you was not hurt through any fault of mine- that it was because of you that they were hurt. Seems to me that if I believed that, I would have believed anything. 

Yet there is something about you that I cannot quite pin-point. Something that guided me as a road sign guides a weary, bewildered traveller. Perhaps it was because of your trusting nature- the nature that made you believe that I was good, that I was kind, and that you could help me put everything right in the end. Maybe it was your forgiveness that put me to shame, you jumping onto that train that travelled at breakneck speed in an attempt to save my life... Or perhaps it was everything put together- the simple thing that made you... you. The thing that made me hate, respect, and even love you- you. 

Thick is not a good word to describe me- blind works better, for I believe that somewhere, deep inside, I knew the truth. I just didn't want to face up to it- that you were, and always will be-better than me, for compared to you, I will always be a poor second. And it took all your courage and selflessness, willing to put your life on the line to save mine to realise that. And for that, I feel ashamed. I feel like I have always been stumbling in the dark, putting on a blindfold that I have always hated. I shut my eyes to keep out the light, and in doing so, endangered everyone; I did the unthinkable- I almost killed you. 

I still can't quite believe how blind I was... am. For at the end, when I have pushed my blinding lies out of the way, I found the truth- that you have always been my best friend. 

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Author's note:  
Yudaiji Idomu is the son of the Yudaiji foundation, the richest organisation after the Imonoyamas. 

Idomu and Nokoru used to be friends when they were younger. However, their friendship soured because Idomu was jealous of the attention showered upon Nokoru by his own mother. His mother also smiled at Nokoru- and act deemed as trecherous in Idomu's opinion, since he could not recall his mother ever smiling at him in the way she had to Nokoru. 

As Idomu's parents were divorced, he saw very little of his mother, and though he missed his mother very much, he felt bitterness towards Nokoru for "stealing" his mother away from him. As a result, he schemed against Nokoru to make him alone and friendless just as he had been. 

However, it soon turned out that when Suoh "left" Nokoru, it was little more than a ploy to lure him out. Angered by his failure, he kidnapped both Nagisa and Utako to force Nokoru to step down. 

Howver, in the end, his own plan backfired when the train that he was hiding on could not stop. Since the train was travelling at high speeds, it would eventually derail, and thus kill Idomu in the process. Nokoru then risked his life to separate the engine from the rest of the carriages to save Idomu. This caused Idomu to to realise his mistake and plead for forgiveness, which he did receive. When he looked up to see Nokoru smiling at him, he suddenly remembered his mother's smile- sweet, gentle, serene and happy. And he felt grateful to Nokoru for helping him find his mother's smile again. 


End file.
